2024 and its unfinished hopes

May 11, 2023, was the last day of my college. I did not know nor expect that life after college would change for real; everything and everyone around me changed. I still vividly remember taking our last semester exam, seeing the classroom for one last time, and meeting all my friends and juniors. We settled in this basketball court in our college, a mix of my best friends and our favorite juniors just lying down there and no words came and that moment of realization that it's over and one, for real, we couldn't take that up. All the grudges were gone and very heartfelt notes at the end—the ones with whom we had a bad experience came to give us the last hugs and it was so fucking in my eyes! See, the reason why I am telling you this is that I am not over that day itself, and fucking 1.5 years passed!

If you ask me, how has 2024 been? It just felt like the last day of college. Though it fucked me like hell, this year gave me everything. A year that taught me to navigate things even on my hardest days. Every ending has its meaning and yes, this year's endings were also kind of similar: I got my answers to the most unsolved questions, tried to handle my career shit, made insane mistakes, and fucked up for real.

Biggest Win for me in 2024:

1. COCHIN: A solo trip that went exactly how I thought. Whenever I am sad, I watch all those pictures and videos of me happily sailing in a stranger's boat having heartfelt conversations, traveling 150 km alone in a Yamaha Fascino in the middle of the forest, slipping shamelessly in the waterfall, sitting 3 hours in the beach to witness the sky turn from blue, orange, to pink, trying to check my pepper spray whether it works or not by spraying it in the room and having the worst cough ever! It was my happiest day this year when I didn't think about anything or anyone. It was just me and only me!

   
   

2. Therapy: Probably putting this out shamelessly, maybe but yes, apparently I went for sessions to take care of myself. It was a "me" issue and I was very vulnerable and scared. I must say, it worked out for me. I hugged my Therapist "N" when I went last and that woman has seen me choke, bleed, cry, and laugh all at the same time.

   
   

3. PEOPLE: I tried to accept my faults with so much honesty this year, and I am very proudly working on it, too. I also learned to respect and understand that you should never ignore someone for the 2 percent harm they did for the 98 percent good things. Always and forever grateful for the people who stayed.

Realizations:

1. I think CONCERTS are my addiction and it is just God's intended way, tbh. Concerts will single-handedly improve my mental health. Maybe I will have the most euphoric, sweaty night of my life and eat the shittiest dinner later with the best people. Getting up in the morning with so much tiredness and yet seeing those videos of your voice sucking for real just gives me so much joy. This year, I have attended two great ones—SANA and Yuvan. HHT was great but it's not my cup of tea, as I am not a huge fan of non-instrumental concerts and there was so much self-promotion going on for real.

   
   

2. I am happy with being sad. And maybe this has kind of triggered me this year on apparently who the fuck am I and how am I supposed to be sad and vulnerable? But that feeling of being sad is great too!

   
   

3. To fix myself, I need to fix everyone around me. The joy I get by fixing someone is the validation that I search to fix myself. And I am not going to do that. I kind of allow no one to fix me, which is a real problem too!

Next?

Nothing much. Probably exhausted and drained to think or have a vision board. But I have made a promise to do that and start fresh as possible. All I wanted was more travel, more fun, more joy, more money, good sleep, and being as kind as possible.

Coming to my favorite part: This year was all about me watching good movies in theaters. And whenever life is vulnerable, all I did was just go for a movie and escape, possibly! From starting this year with Captain Miller and ending it with Viduthalai Part 2, thank you Malayalam Cinema for existing, and this year you guys cooked up so many good movies.

One of my favorite films of this year is "ALL WE IMAGINE AS LIGHT" by Payal Kapadia. I don't know for so many reasons, that film made me feel grateful to live and kinda lighted me. The three women symbolized a piece of me and I felt so better after watching it.

Okay, let's do this one thing together in 2025:

Maybe I am not sure how 2024 has been for you. A few of my best friends cleared their exams and went for their first jobs; some of my friends got promoted and another did an exceptional number of theatre shows so it was a great win for sure, and for some hearts were broken and tied once for all. And for a few of us, we had a greater amount of misconceptions with family, which too triggered the anxiety as well. So it's just that we leave it here and bury it once and for all and start it now?

Maybe this time we can try taking care of ourselves and enjoying this little life with slowness and care. After all, death is so fucking close and even knowing that, being missed to live might be the greatest regret, right?

I hope we all have an amazing freaking year. Take care and coincidentally, this is my 25th blog on this site, and pretty happy about it too! Advance happy new year :)

And to my best friends, Thank you and if you hadn't been there this year to hold me on, I think I would have messed up even more. I love you guys so much and thank you for existing and handling my shit every fucking time! I hope we win big in life, travel more, have fun, and find great love.