Just from my heart

Okay, I am not using external validations for this blog, like Grammarly or Paraphrase. It's purely from my heart and my perspectives and constructive criticism are appreciated if you have opposing points. I also don't think this blog is going to be another self-help blog. I just want to write this for myself and to feel all those nonwriting days. Maybe after a year or so, if I look back or you look back, it might smile at you. Also, I just paid a guilty amount to upgrade the Wix edition so the middle class in me wants to write the next moment I pay. So here you go!

Life is a circle (At least from my POV)

I have always had a passion for writing something since childhood, even though I am not great at communicating things. I always practice writing journals about my happy or sad days, though nobody thought anything about that part. So when I just grew up and started this blogging thing, I didn't know how this would end or whatever. I just felt like writing or it gave me a sense of pleasure. So over the years, I realized that I have written so generally and so safely that it might have given you a general sense of emotional fact but I never put up my side. I don't know that I will be great at doing that but I want to put up a small part too so that it makes so much sense to people, which is what I was thinking. 

The main point I am concluding is that life does take a whole circle, dude. It just so randomly does. I mean, assume the circle to be just a circle with all sorts of feelings at every point. We just revolve around it, so some days are happy and amazing and when you go the opposite way, life is miserable and you don't know how to even get up from your bed on some days. 

So I was re-visiting my old blogs. I have written it in such a way that during the period I was so confident and secure, I am advising people about life, at least positively impacting my close circle. I feel cringe to even read some of the blogs that I have written about life so easily at that time or, I don't know, maybe life was so positive those times. And coming back to now, I am just on the downside of life and everything feels so heavy for me emotionally and I can't take the fact that I was so active and lively two years ago. I feel like I just miss myself. 

But yes, amongst all this, I know I will go up to the next point of the circle, and it's just that it's life and we are going to revolve around things that might make us feel secure and another time it will haunt you like anything. I realized that this pattern of things going so differently and the opposite happens to me every six months. For some of my best friends, it is kind of a year or two. I really don't want to deeply analyze and bring psychology to this, just that it's my observation.

I still haven’t figured out yet

Okay, I still remember these little bitchy things I did a few years ago. I won't tell my plans or any sort of achievement to any random person or friend. I always feel like that's an evil eye and people won't take it in a great way and I too made it a point to stop asking people about their future. The thing I followed after college was that I stopped asking people. Most people, including me, were struggling for a better job or opportunity and I know how it choked my throat or made me so anxious when someone asked me what I was doing right now. 

Today, I want to tell you honestly that I still have not figured out how my life should be in the next 5 or 10 years. I have a great deal of options now but despite all these things, I want to enjoy life now. I am earning now. I want to make my inner child happy. I want to travel, go to concerts, meet different people, and roam around singing Anirudh songs with my best friend. I want to go to Starbucks and drink the same coffee because two years ago I couldn’t afford that but maybe now I can. 

I totally agree if you are going to choose responsibility over everything else and we definitely might have different situations in life or at home and I get it. I prioritized myself and my life this time. It felt much needed, even if I didn't care if I ended up paying debts. 

It's just that after a long time, I felt and told myself, It's okay to be slow. It's okay to not be in the race that this fucking society makes everyone run and it's okay to take care of yourself and prioritize yourself over any fucking thing. I mean, it's okay to go your way; your speed because it's fucking your life. Despite telling you all this, yes, I am guilty to the point that I haven't figured it out but I am not putting any pressure on this. I am going to take it slow. I know what my end goal is. 

Also, I am really happy that these days some things are interesting to me. For example, if I had ten options at hand a few years ago, now in these years I know what is going to be on my future wishlist and I think this exploration is making me feel things slowly too. So yeah, I am figuring out life and I don't know yet!

Conclusion

I just felt like writing for myself so when I turn back after two years or if you turn back, this might give you a heads-up that everyone is struggling and everyone is figuring it out, and it's okay!

In all these months, I have had dead deep talks with my school, college, and people who have meant a lot to me in all these years. And there is a lot to take away from these amazing people and I'm fucking grateful to have you guys! I just want to make some beautiful statements told by these people from their lives that made so much sense to me. 

• People make life. For you to have an interesting and happy life, though I am just supported towards a lonely life, sometimes people make your life. Being in groups or with someone makes so much difference and it is needed for human survival. 
  

• Don’t take any human to be your benchmark, mainly your badass behavior. For example, if you do something wrong- don't cheer yourself or compare yourself to the action of someone else who did the same thing but you made a better mistake. Also, don't make someone your point- it might not work that way. All you try to do is better that person but not yourself. 

• Don't take life for granted. This makes me feel insane, you can't just predict the next second. It's too much planning happening than living. 

Sometimes, life is just that one spoon of paneer butter masala that's left but you have a whole naan to eat. Sometimes it's not enough but some days it's so full. Just take the sweetest part of naan first, dip it, and eat. Just eat it before thinking about the next piece for now. I know this sucks but I want to end it this way for a long time. 

Cheers! Take care and have fun.