Happy New Year!
- Sai Aparna
- Jan 31
- 6 min read
Hey people, I hope you are doing well and probably had a decent start to the year. For me, January felt like an extension of 2024 and kind of sank in a month. So I was perhaps trying to fit into this year and let's see how it goes. This blog is about some of January's thoughts, things I did, and a few patterns with an extension of self-rant, also met my school friends. I probably thought I should address the statement that GVM made in his recent promotion. So lessgooo!
After all, this is absolute cinema!
I’ve noticed this subtle, sneaky, nearly undetectable pattern in myself where I’ll have an idea, and I’ll then say to myself, Oh, that’s a great idea. I want to let it sit. I will write about it soon. And then another idea pops up before I get the chance to write about that first idea. This blog is all about that—a collection of things that I kept within my mind, maybe!?
With life, it's the same. One day you are dreaming of finishing school and going to a better college or work. And you are suddenly in your third year of graduation and now dreaming or being anxious to get into a job!? The day you get it, you're thinking, Okay, this is saturating or too busy, then what? what's next? Is this it? The sudden realization that either you are undervalued or underpaid comes in, and then you want to do something else. You will figure it out, work for it for, say, 6 to 8 months and you might end up on the next average path, i.e., a master's or a better job. Then what? Again, the same saturation!? It's very frustrating how every achievement feels like a moving cloud. Is it never ending or will it never end? Or should I probably die before that?
I mean, I was fucked up anxious for a job two years back, figuring things out with that and I took some time to settle at it. Then I was anxious that I was nothing with just a bachelor's since people around me were either starting an airplane company or being in a professional space. So I began to move around figuring out the next logical step, which I don't have any regrets about. Still, it just feels like moving always, constantly trying to figure out or frustrated that you are nothing or anything.
Figuring out that I am a grey character and getting an acceptance towards that also plays a major part in adulting, which no one talks about. And it takes a lot of time to understand that "You are probably messed up and you are gray," but the acceptance is amazing though! As we grow older, we tend to realize that black-and-white reasonings dwindle and we have the valley of a grey region. When you deep dive into it, you understand people a little better and their thoughts too. It's peaceful to explore that zone because it's always the situations that mess up and not the actual humans!
There is this line by Kafka, "I never wish to be easily defined. I'd rather float over other people's minds as something strictly fluid and non-perceivable; more like a transparent, paradoxically iridescent creature rather than an actual person". I want that.
January 2025
The first thing that came to mind was going for my first international match. My brother is a cricket player, so he got two tickets from his club and luckily he had no one to go with on that day, so as an amazing sister, I took him and it was fun! The match went on till the last two balls and the experience was insane! We talked a lot about life, things, family, and friendships, and had a great time.
The most favorite core memory is watching "Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani". I mean, let's keep the banger songs aside and talk about the core plot. It was my best experience ever and I felt so good watching it, though probably I have rewatched it multiple times. Watching it in the theater with 100 people who are vibing and choking to the same lines as you are was an amazing thing, though! I always admired the character of Bunny and probably wanted to be that way, and that day I had a lot of contradictions with myself or maybe so many thoughts about that, and indeed it was a nice watch.
THE MAIN PLOT
For those in privileged positions, it’s crucial to acknowledge the disparities that persist and reflect on the lived experiences of those who face these inequities daily. This is why cultivating knowledge is difficult—reminders of caste aren’t a nuisance; they are reflections of the ongoing systemic realities we live in. So till now, in my hometown, a specific community is not allowed into the so-called social things!
It was quite disturbing though from an influential man like GVM saying that caste relates to history and that's why we use periodic filmmaking. For the millionth time, someone as a grown man/woman goes around callously gaslighting people that caste is something of the past and it's fucked up. Also, nobody gets to decide when people should stop reminding us of any issue and that's why GVM should probably keep his fucked-up opinions to himself and be aware that it still exists!
For him, love is so apolitical and dramatic, but probably love is the most political thing in this world. You don't get to choose love; the political system tends to influence you so that's why we are fucked up with understanding what commitment or being accountable for actions are!
MY "N" Therapist
To start the year with a banger, here I went shamelessly for a self-ranting session and to figure out some contradictions that I had super late with myself. One of the few things that my therapist told me was that you're not healing enough to be able to handle problems, trauma, anxiety, or even depression. You are used to those. You're healing to be able to handle joy and to accept happiness back into your life. Time is not a healer, it just numbs it.
You have to forget the old self; you should probably try new things, build new habits, and live to fill the void that your old self creates in your mind.
SCHOOL IS SCHOOL, right?
I went on to meet my good old school friends and it was so good, though! The turnup ratio was negative but anyway, it was fun to catch up after years. And it felt the same and we had the same vibe, sharing all the nonsensual things we did and laughing a lot about it too. That day I kinda understood that there is a thin line between, "THE SCHOOL MADE US and WE MADE IT, BITCH".
I BEG, IF YOU ARE IN YOUR 20s, PLEASE DONT LEAVE THAT EXCITEMENT
I mean, it's exhausting to figure out a lot of things right now because it's that way. Everyone is going through timeless loops of the same shit again and again. But to add some spice, some of my best friends have either a toxic 15-hour work culture, very charming but yet toxic managers, or existential crises because they have chosen to do unconventional things in the space of ART! All this endless hustle nature, the commodification of simple joys, and the pressure to monetize creativity (I mean, I have that right now, though I am not creative) is so overwhelming.
BUT BUT, I BEG YOU, please take care of yourself and give super importance to things that will help you grow in life rather than keep you busy right now. I get it; nobody has the privilege to say such things but don't put yourself so busy because it's not at all worth it.
I mean, I went to school and college this month for some work, and the sudden bundle of emotions I had was irreplaceable. That's what some moments get to do with you.
No matter what, you are just a tiny human on this planet who is allowed to sit and think about random stupid actions, find joy in the smallest things, and do all things gray!
Why, Because:
மிஞ்சி போனால் மரணம் என்ற போது
வாழ்க்கை வாழ வெக்கப்படலாமா
(A line from Kabir Vasuki's song)
SINCE YOU CAME TO THE END OF IT, JUST CHECK OUT MY SONG RECOMMENDATION PLEASE, BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE A BF TO MAKE HIM LISTEN
Super lately humming to the song "Just to Be With You" by Prateek Kuhad. It's so good, give it a try! Its fucking 1 minute, listen and hate it if you want to!
Also, I have started with India's most influential book "Too Good to be True" by Prajakta Koli. It's quite hyped but anyway, I will finish it.
See you guys! Take care, have fun, and always thank you for reading this!
Nicely articulated as usual.